PILLOW TALK POST

[afailedmurder]

what it says on the tin

Comments

[afailedmurder]

[considers that]

I don't know where I can go from here.

[rollplayinghouse]

Don't worry about can for a minute. If you could wipe everything out and start over, what would you want to do?

[afailedmurder]

I'd... want to become the person I always pretended to be.

[rollplayinghouse]

What parts of that person are most important to you?

[afailedmurder]

[can't say smart because he's already smart]

[can't say liked because inexplicably, he is liked]

...He has integrity.

[rollplayinghouse]

Do you not think you have integrity?

[afailedmurder]

Do you intend to argue? Or perhaps tell me that I can change?

[rollplayinghouse]

It was just a question.

[afailedmurder]

It was a question you already knew the answer to. I wouldn't have said it if I didn't think it.

[rollplayinghouse]

Then let me ask a better question. Why do you think you lack integrity?

[afailedmurder]

I'm a liar and a hypocrite. I hurt people who don't deserve it. I help people who don't deserve it. I treat the people who care about me poorly. Shall I go on?

[rollplayinghouse]

You're not always like that.

[afailedmurder]

I'll acknowledge that much. But integrity isn't something that a person possess only sometimes. He has it or he doesn't, and I don't.

[rollplayinghouse]

So you've made it so by definition you can't do anything to change what you're unhappy about.

[afailedmurder]

I didn't "make" it be that way. That's the reality of the situation. I'm cognizant of the fact, but it hasn't changed. I'd act the exact same way tomorrow under the right circumstances.

[rollplayinghouse]

Everyone would act badly in the right circumstances.

[afailedmurder]

My "right" circumstances have a much lower threshold than most people. Have I ever told you what I did to J in that monster cannibal game?

[rollplayinghouse]

...No. What did you do?

[afailedmurder]

In order to spite C, I sent him out to fight against his will.

[rollplayinghouse]

[...]

How did that spite C?

[afailedmurder]

C is incredibly possessive of AlcheME. Essentially, I was breaking one of his toys.

[rollplayinghouse]

[unimpressed]

Really?

[afailedmurder]

What, do you think that after all this time I don't know how to get under his skin?

[rollplayinghouse]

I'm not questioning your ability to spite C. I'm questioning you flippantly dismissing your unitmates as toys. You clearly don't actually think of them that way, or you wouldn't be so torn up about what a terrible thing this was that you did.

[afailedmurder]

...No. I don't see them that way. But I used him all the same, pretending that I was acting in a moment of panic.