PILLOW TALK POST

[afailedmurder]

what it says on the tin

Comments

[afailedmurder]

So I intentionally hurt him for no other reason than getting back at C.

[rollplayinghouse]

And if you hadn't been in a situation where you or anyone could die and really mad at C, would you have rationally decided that was the best thing to do?

[afailedmurder]

No, but neither of those things are exactly uncommon occurrences.

[rollplayinghouse]

So you need to learn to react better under stress.

[afailedmurder]

[deflating]

The game escalated things, certainly. But he humiliated me, and I'd have done whatever it took to get back at him.

[rollplayinghouse]

So you need to respond better to feeling humiliated, too.

[afailedmurder]

Is that really all you have to say about it? "Do better next time"?

[rollplayinghouse]

I'm saying it wasn't great behavior, but you clearly know that already. Which means you can try to avoid it next time.

Which is a lot more concrete than "I lack integrity."

[afailedmurder]

I disagree. The future is the least concrete thing possible. Conversely, the fact that I'd go to such a length in the first place is fairly definitive proof that something is wrong with me.

[rollplayinghouse]

[...]

Maybe. There are probably some people who'd never do something like that no matter what the circumstances are. There are people who'd never do a lot of things you do. Or I do. So, if you think those things are 'wrong,' then I guess you could think about it that way. I have, sometimes.

Most of the time, though... I don't think there's any point in thinking of it that way. Maybe I'm broken, maybe I've done horrible things. But there isn't anything I can do about that. All I can do is decide what I want to do going forward.

[afailedmurder]

...You're tremendously pragmatic. I admire that quality in you.

[rollplayinghouse]

...I don't know that it's particularly admirable. It's just necessary.

[afailedmurder]

It's not such a simple thing. It takes a strong will to do what's necessary to move forward. I don't know that I even want to move forward.

[rollplayinghouse]

[...]

I want you to move forward.

[afailedmurder]

I know.

[rollplayinghouse]

And I think you can, too.

[afailedmurder]

...I know that I owe it to you. And to Joker and AlcheMe...

[rollplayinghouse]

You don't owe me anything.

[afailedmurder]

...Joker, then.

[rollplayinghouse]

...

That's up to him.

[afailedmurder]

Am I not allowed to have my own feelings on the subject?

[rollplayinghouse]

You can do want to do it to prove to him you can. But it's not a debt you owe if he doesn't think it is.

[afailedmurder]

Regardless, that's between the two of us.

[rollplayinghouse]

Mm.

You can also want something for yourself. It doesn't have to be about what's good or bad or what you owe to people you've wronged. You can just want to be happy. And if you're not happy the way you are, try to change things.

[afailedmurder]

...

Do I really deserve to be happy?